Mirror Mirror

Standing in front of a mirror for an hour is probably the most difficult thing I've done in a while. Not just physically, but mentally. I did this Thursday night after I got home from the library around 2:30am.

Since I knew I was going to be standing for a while I stood on a yoga mat, and brought a few things to keep myself focused namely some incense, candles, and my tibetan singing bowl. Since I don't have a full body mirror I had to bring together two mirrors and stack them against some stuff. I also figured if I was going to be doing this for real I would do it naked.

So I stood there and looked all around myself, at myself, past myself, through myself....it was interesting how see-through I became to myself. Maybe it was just because I got really tired of seeing me after a while. Since Shane talked about transforming into something other than our selves I tried as hard as I could to becomes something I wasn't. In my mind I turned into a grey heron, flying over swamps and bays. I imagined some other things, but it's a little bit too personal to post publicly. I experienced voyeuristic perspectives and for a very long time meditated on dissolving my surroundings. I think I transcended time for at least a second. It was amazing.

I noticed that as the "hour" progressed I didn't feel like I was looking at me, but at another person. I started judging myself for judging myself, being critical of how I thought about what I saw and breaking things into shapes in order to keep my attention and perhaps simplify things. It was really hard to ignore my legs starting to ache beneath me. For the first fifteen minutes I just couldn't stand still. I can't as it is when I'm doing every day things, so standing infront of a mirror was especially trialling in patience for me. Eventually though I found a strange vibration at which I held steady...it may sound ridiculous to some but if you concentrate hard enough you can find the frequency of things around you and solidify your balance with them. I didn't hold it long, but when I did I felt stronger than I've ever felt before. Then when I noticed (became conscious of) this awareness I lost it again, that's when I started feeling see through and negativity began to take over for a moment. It was outlandishly emotional. Like someone was looking through me, and it wasn't me doing the seeing at all.

I think this experience would have been completely ruined and fake if I had recorded myself, and I'm glad I did it right before bed. It helped my mind unravel more than usual and I had some weird dreams which led me to finally find a direction for my final project for Naoko's class.